Author Shona aka Mara
Disclaimer Not my sandbox, I'm just playing here.
Spoilers Post-In My Time Of Dying, pre-Everyone Loves a Clown
Notes Thank you to the ever-patient wenchpixie for the hand-holding through this one.
Summary Dean knows she always finds him just before he breaks wide open, but he's broken and she's not here...
It's been this way for a while now, when things are at their worst, when a hunt's gone south, they'll get together and spend some time just getting away from the world.
There's no expectations, no 'relating', nothing more than just getting lost in someone else's body and letting all that responsibility fall away for a while.
Dean hasn't told Sam about her, he knows his brother won't understand. Knows that Sam will think that Dean is just being… well, Dean. Or at least, the mask of Dean that he puts on for the world and which apparently fits so well that even his family thinks it's the real him.
He swallows past the lump in his throat that realization caused. Sammy's all the family he has now and that thought brings the sharp sting of tears that he hides by once again lifting the pint mug to his lips.
He needs to find her; needs to get away from the world for a few hours.
Trouble is, she's always been the one to find him and he doesn't know where to start looking.
It's almost like she's got some kind of internal alarm that brings them together just when he needs her most – or maybe when she needs him. He'd be hurting, about to crack wide open, and right at that breaking point there she'd be and everything else wouldn't be important for a while.
For all he knows maybe she does; they don't keep secrets from each other, he knows she's not exactly normal – another reason he hasn't mentioned her to Sam – and maybe this Dean-radar is just one more of those not-normal things. Probably not though, it's not like any higher power's going to care if he falls apart or not. Nah, what he's always thought of as a good thing, she probably curses every chance she gets. Seeking out broken fuck-ups can't exactly be fun.
He's bad for her; he's dragging her down like a damn albatross around her neck. It's not like his life's going to get any better or any easier to deal with. He should tell her, cut her free. Release her from any kind of obligation she might think she has to watch out for him.
He should end it.
Only problem with that is that he'd have to find her first, and that just comes circling straight back around to how badly he needs her right now.
Dean drains the rest of his beer and has just enough self-control not to order another. The painkillers the hospital put him on are bad enough without too much alcohol in the mix. He swings off the stool and leaves the bar, lost in thought. He should get back to Sam, but how can he after what Dad told him? How can he look at his brother normally ever again if he's always going to be watching for signs? How can he go on alone?
The anger flares and he aims his fist at the rough brick beside him, he blinks when it connects instead with a hand. A woman's hand, curled around his fist. Stopping him from hitting the wall.
He turns to look at her, knows she's found him again, knows he should walk away. Knows he can't.
"Faith." He manages to say, just before the world slips away.